Grace
by Saoirse's Republic
Summary: Neil/ Andrea songfic,though mainly Neil. His pov about their relationship, his feelings for her really just a deep and meaningful, sentimental bit of fluff.


Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Neil, Andrea or any of the other characters from "The Bill", they are the property of Talkback Thames. Also the lyrics to the song "Grace" belong to Kyle Scott an American artist.

Authors notes: Hey, this is just a short one and it's pretty rubbish but I just adore this song, it is beautiful and the lyrics are beautiful too so I decided I wanted to do something with them. Anyway, try to enjoy the story, let me know what you think and definately if you get the chance listen to the song, itcan be found on a website called purevolume and is on the profile of artist Kyle Scott, just enter his name into the website's search engine or into any other search engine :)

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_I can dream in a way that could never be real,  
I could wish for a world that so quickly would heal,_

Every single day she is all I think about, she dominates my thoughts even at times she knows she shouldn't be there, times when work, or Jake, or family should be foremost in my mind. I dream about the life we could have together, not just could have, the one we should have and deserve to have together. The life I want. It would be amazing, of course I know there would be bumps in the road I'm not an idiot, far from it, its just that even from the beginning when we first met I felt the connection between us and even though what is happening between us is morally wrong, ultimately it is right on so many levels. Our connection and everything there is between us, is so much bigger than either of us and so much deeper than love, or romance, or passion. Our connection is everything that I never believed existed before I met her, before Andrea Dunbar walked into my life, it is a link between our souls as if we are two halves of the same soul and this isn't just some unreasonable theory I have come up with to try excusing my adultery, I freely admit that my dishonesty is wrong, immoral even. I speak about this deep connection between me and Andrea because I know it exists, I feel it every day and it is undeniable.

_I can draw up some rules that we all should abide,  
But where would I hide?_

The way I feel and think now since Andrea became a part of my life, is such a huge change from the cynical man I used to be. All that mattered was working my way up the career ladder and getting everything I could out of life, everything and everyone else took a back seat. It wasn't just a natural selfishness that made me like that, I learned from my parents and the way they lived that there was no other way to be, after that I saw the same attitude and behaviour in Philippa and her parents so it seemed reasonable that I put myself first and others second, after all everyone else did. Those were the rules I lived by, it was so simple and uncomplicated and I thought that mine were the rules everyone should follow, it wasn't a perfect life, indeed it was far from perfect but at least it made sense and there was something to be gained from living by my rules. Just look at what I achieved by following that game plan, a successful career, an impeccable reputation, a good lifestyle and an adorable son. So I used to just ignore the niggling questions sneaking into my mind like "Is this all there is, isn't there something better?" or "If I have everything there is to have, why does it feel so hollow, why do I feel so alone?" As far as I was concerned I had followed the rules, wishing or hoping for more than I already had was just foolish, that is how people fail by expecting too much.

_I could say to myself that it's all understood,  
I can share how I feel and define what is good,_

When I met Andrea I understood, suddenly everything started to make sense in a way it never had done before. It isn't that Andrea changed me, because she loves me the way I am simply because I'm Neil Manson, because of who I am and not because of what I have or might achieve, Andrea never has tried to change me and she never will. But she has brought out the best in me, helped me to see the world from a different perspective and allowed me to see how I had entirely oversimplified life by following my rules, the ones I had placed every ounce of my faith in and that I was right to question whether living could be better because our relationship is proof that there is and always has been something infinitely better than what I had fooled myself into believing was a good and fulfilling life. I was never happy before, not even remotely close to being happy. With Andrea I am happy, I understand how it feels now to be happy and I can define it, at least I can define what happiness means for me – Andrea and a life with her, that is true happiness. There are no rules now except for one, that the people I love will always come first in my life, they will always be more important than me, because I understand life better now all because of her.

_I can shun, critcize, put a friend in their place,  
But that isn't grace..._

I could easily have continued to live the way I always did, pushing away sentimental ideas of finding a soul mate and having the perfect life with that person. I used to sneer at people who did that, criticize their stupidity because as far as I was concerned life afforded no such luxuries, there was no destiny, no person you were meant to be with and love with all your heart for the rest of your life. People who believed in that were merely chasing a dream or a non existent ideal they could never even hope to achieve which was absolutely ridiculous in my opinion. I settled for what I could get as far as family life was concerned, I chose to focus on my career because it is something material which proves success and achievement and the only way to be better than other people, to prove you are worth something is to be successful and achieve a certain type of lifestyle. That is why I married Philippa, because that is her focus – career and reputation, she is all about keeping up appearances. She doesn't believe in love or affection, and her drive and ambition equaled mine that is what brought us together to begin with, but it isn't enough for me and if I am honest it never really was.

_See, I can't be without you, your virtue, my guide,  
But I can't be this statue, this man who figured you out,_

I now know that I can't be without her, I just can't let Andrea go because she means everything to me, and this may sound like a cliché and might seem slightly cheesy but Andrea has helped me to discover who I really am and what I really want. The love she has for me guides me through everything, without it I wouldn't be able to survive the difficult days, the traumas or the hardships and even the good days would lose their shine if I didn't have Andrea . I love her, but she is so much more to me than just a lover, Andrea is also the best friend I have ever had and I have only just begun to discover all the wonderful things she is and I want to spend the rest of my life finding out. It is difficult to explain because I know Andrea completely, I can read even the most subtle change in her moods, I instinctively know what she wants and needs all the time, and I know how to love her and take care of her, but I still feel that everyday I come to know her more deeply in some ways, as if I figure out another piece of the puzzle, understand a bit more every day, and it is incredible to love someone so much that you can get to know them so deeply.

_And how could I acclaim that, a sure fact, your grace,  
It's something that I cling to, a blind truth, I chase._

Whereas before I wouldn't ever have chased after anything before when there was a risk involved, when attaining it violated my rules, my code of ethics, now I am willingly risking everything to pursue a life with Andrea. I cling to the hope of happiness that a future and a life with her offers, and I am absolutely prepared to sacrifice everything for her, for a life together because nothing compares to Andrea.

_Understand that I don't know that graces you have,  
How could I ever put on your virtue a tag,_

I could never put a definitive label on what Andrea and I have, it goes beyond words and labels, it is impossible to put us into one specific category because we are so many things to each other, so much more than just partners or lovers. Sometimes I don't even think the term soul mates completely covers it but that is as close as I come to explaining what we are to each other.

_All I've left is the notion to hold onto love,  
Give me a shove,_

I have wasted so much of my life chasing after things which don't make me happy and never will, things like status, career, money, lifestyle – all meaningless when they don't bring happiness now. Being so superficial, so selfish and chasing all this has effectively ruined me, broken me down into this slightly bitter and somewhat cynical man almost incapable of letting anyone close or showing emotion, and yet she still fell in love with me and I fell for her. I thought I had come to the point where I couldn't feel happy, couldn't love anyone like this but Andrea changed that and she somehow saw something good in me, something worth loving. That is what I have left now, after everything else has broken me down I still have our love and I hold on to it, in fact I want more what we have now, I want a life together too. I hold on to these thoughts, to this love because they remind me of what is good about life.

_On the wings of a plane and the feet of a man,  
To the heart of a tribe that will not understand,_

_Who's to say that the soul doesn't search on its own,  
I won't condone,_

Unless anyone has ever felt for someone what I feel for Andrea then they couldn't possibly understand what she means to me, why I would risk everything for her and why the risk would be entirely worth it. Even though I was unhappy and needed something more in my life, someone to fill the huge void there, I hadn't been searching for Andrea but somehow we found each other. It is as if we were destined to meet, as if our souls were searching for their other halves, for that which would make them complete and when Andrea and I met we found that in each other. I know, I'm getting sentimental as I get older, the old Neil Manson would never have entertained such romanticized ideas of life and love and happiness and here I am opening up, mellowing and talking of soul mates and spiritual connections. But actually I think that it's a good thing, and it is all down to Andrea, it is because of her beauty and wisdom and love and grace.


End file.
